


Give it all Back For A Chance to Start Over

by hotdamnitsrenee



Category: Frühlings Erwachen | Spring Awakening - Frank Wedekind, Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Canonical Character Death, First Kiss, First Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 13:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17919554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotdamnitsrenee/pseuds/hotdamnitsrenee
Summary: They were both the loves of his life. They were both perfect in every way imaginable. They were both kind, smart, and adorable. One got ripped away from him, and he wouldn’t let that happen a second time.Hanschen Rilow's life through the years as he copes with love and loss.





	Give it all Back For A Chance to Start Over

**Author's Note:**

> There is attempted sex between two underage characters. It doesn't get farther than making out, so I didn't tag it.
> 
> I wrote this in two hours from 11pm-1am and didn't revise it that much. Don't roast me.
> 
> TW: Suicide

They were both the loves of his life. They were both perfect in every way imaginable. They were both kind, smart, and adorable. One got ripped away from him, and he wouldn’t let that happen a second time. 

 

His name was Max. He had bright blue eyes that drew Hanschen in from the moment they met in grade school. They had been the best of friends. They would hold hands innocently during recess, but it was just a childish thing to do that they always got reprimanded for, but did it anyway. The two brunettes were always seen together, at lunch, in the classroom, in the hallway. The two boys were best friends.

 

As the two of them aged, Hanschen and Max kept to themselves. They put up with Melchior’s growing ego as his voice started to drop first. They were always the target of jokes in their friend group due to all the time they had spent together. They were still joined at the hip, and never apart. 

 

Max was the first one to kiss him. It was behind a tree outside of the school building. It was short, sweet, and innocent. Hanschen knew it was wrong. It’s what he was told in church. Boys don’t love other boys. But, how could something so wrong be so right. Hanschen had kissed Max back behind the tree and started to question if everything he was being taught those Sunday mornings were actually true. 

 

For the next few years, Max and Hanschen spent half of their lives hidden away, sneaking kisses and saying “I love you”’s. They thought they were safe. They thought they had hidden everything so well. They refrained from writing letters, in case they fell into the wrong hands. They never touched each other in school, only behind trees, or hidden away deep in the forests around their houses. 

 

Max had invited him over to sleep over at the Von Trenk’s house. The brunette had explained to the now blonde that his parents were going out of town, that they’d have the whole house to themselves, to do whatever they wanted. Hanschen knew what the brunette was implying they’d do. They had only discussed it a few times, but never actually did it. Hanschen wasn’t opposed to it, but they’d never have long enough alone in the house to do anything. 

 

So Hanschen lied. He lied to his parents and his suspicious younger sisters about where he was going that weekend. His family believed he was hanging out at his new friend Georg’s place over the weekend. He just hoped his parents wouldn’t call the Zirschnitz’s to check up on him. 

 

He packed his bag on Thursday night with extra clothes. He would be returning home from school on Friday, then leaving immediately to get to the Von Trenk’s before it hit dusk. 

 

The walk to the Von Trenk’s from his home wasn’t very long. He found himself walking up the steps of the house in roughly ten minutes. Max met him at the door, and it was tough for the two boys not to kiss each other right then and there. There could be people around. They could see them and spread the information to the right people and they would be dead tomorrow. Max gave an out of character formal greeting and invited him inside. Max grabbed the bag from Hanschen’s shoulder and hid it under the couch. Hanschen drew his eyebrows together in confusion when he heard the footsteps coming down the hallway. The blonde tried to act as casual as possible as Herr and Frau Von Trenk made their way out into the living area of their home. It felt wrong to be standing here thinking off all the dirty things he’d be doing to their son as soon as they left and for sure weren’t coming back until Sunday at dusk. 

 

The two of them greeted Hanschen with a smile on their face, and he tried to keep his composure as he greeted them back, while imagining their son pinned under him, screaming out his name. 

 

They collected the last of their things then bid the boys farewell as they left to go on their weekend trip. No sooner did the two adults leave the property was Hanschen pinning Max against the wall and pressing hungry kisses on his lips. The brunette was reciprocating the advances, breaking off the kiss to suck red marks along Hanschen’s neck as they pulled at ties, pulled at hair, pulled at buttons on shirts, pulled off undershirts and were working on pants. Max was running his hands along Hanschen’s pale body that were dotted with freckles and the blonde was living for the attention. The brunette was letting noises slip past his lips as Hanschen rolled his hips unskillfully against Max’s while sucking bruises on his neck and chest. 

 

The two boys were so distracted by each other that they didn’t hear the rattle of the doorknob and the creaking of the door and Herr Von Trenk calling out to the boys that he was sorry he had to interrupt them, but his sentence was cut short upon finding the blonde guest in his house grinding on his son. 

 

Hanschen didn’t know when the tears started pouring down his face as he blocked out the words coming from Herr Von Trenk’s mouth. He knew he was dead tomorrow and nothing mattered anyway. The only thing he told Herr Von Trenk is that he would do anything for him to not tell his parents about what had happened. He had told Hanschen he would take the weekend to think about it, and he left like that. 

 

The whole weekend, Max and Hanschen were stressed out. Hanschen figured he’d cried more in the past 48 hours than he had in his entire life. No matter how much water he drank, there was still a pounding pain in his head but more tears spilled down his face anyway. 

 

Sunday at dusk had come and the Von Trenk’s still hadn’t returned home. Hanschen was curled up on the couch, letting the tears trickle down his face when he felt Max come up and lay his head in his lap. The two of them had been quiet all weekend. Hardly spoken any words at all. They hadn’t discussed what would happen now. They didn’t want to. They knew what would happen. They would be turned in for being sick in the head, and when nothing would cure them, they would be dead. Sorry, was the only word Hanschen had said to Max that Sunday. Hanschen then wouldn’t know it would be the last word ever spoken to the brunette he loved so dearly. 

 

Monday came. The Von Trenk’s came back Sunday night. They let Hanschen sleep huddled on their couch, and Frau Von Trenk had the slightest bit of pity for the sick boy and draped a thick woolen blanket over the blonde. 

 

He woke up that Monday morning hearing a loud shrill scream from upstairs. He dragged himself up the stairs to see Max laying dead in his bed, a gun laying on the floor by his bed. Blood covered the wall behind him. Blood covered the blankets in front of him. Blood covered his face. Blood covered his clothes. He hadn’t ever seen this much blood. He walked home that day sobbing uncontrollably as the picture of Max dead and covered with blood and with a bullet hole in his forehead was stained forever in his mind.  

 

Money was what he gave them. Hanschen gave them money to get them not to say anything about what they had seen. They agreed and told Hanschen to lie. Lie about how Max had died. 

 

He went to school that Tuesday. He had informed the administrators that Max Von Trenk had passed away due to sickness. The words felt wrong and disgusting as they left his mouth. It was to protect himself. He promised himself he would never do anything like Max ever again. 

 

A few years had passed. He was top of his class and he focused on his work so much he didn’t seem to notice anyone in those classes. He knew nothing about them except their names due to roll call. He noticed the sleepy kid that sat next to him in Latin who he genuinely felt bad for. He was getting his first wet dreams and it kept him up at night. Hanschen remembered when he got his first dreams. It was a year after Max had kissed him. The only thing he could remember was Max moaning his name as something felt tight around his dick, and waking up with an erection. He masturbated thinking of the boy that night. Of course, he didn’t dare tell Melchior that. Ernst Robel was also smart. While Otto Lammermeier has explained he dreamt of fucking his mother, and Georg Zirschnitz had said he dreamt of being seduced by his piano teacher, Melchior Gabor was spreading that information out to the other boys who really didn’t care. He remembered Ernst Robel and his freckles that dotted his nose. He remembered Ernst Robel and how shyly he had spoken when Melchior had confronted him about his wet dreams. He remembered Ernst Robel and his beautiful brown eyes. 

 

And he remembered Max Von Trenk, and how he had vowed he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. 

 

Which is how the blonde found himself saying he’d walk the nervous brunette home. The two made small talk, and the blonde found himself wanting to kiss the brunette as he dropped him off outside his home. The familiar flutter in his chest and the feeling in his stomach returned. It reminded him of how he felt all through all those years with Max. 

 

Months crept by slowly from that day in September. The two boys had started becoming close. They spent nights reading the Iliad and the Odyssey, and other epic poems from Greece. He wasn’t thinking, one afternoon, while reading a poem with Ernst, and it had slipped out that Achilles and Patroclus were obviously in love. The blonde had realized what he had said when giggles came from the brunette next to him. Ernst had agreed with him, and they spent the rest of the afternoon talking about the homosexual subtext of Achilles and Patroclus. 

 

The first day he was gone, the class thought nothing of it. They had just thought Moritz had overslept and skipped school. The second day he was gone, Hanschen and Otto had both made comments to Melchior about Moritz. The third day Moritz was gone, Melchior informed them the funeral was that weekend. 

 

The two boys went together. They had put lilies on the grave. No tears came down Hanschen’s face until he thought of Max’s funeral a few years back. Hanschen missed his blue eyes and his dark hair. He missed his smile, and how he would make him feel better if he was having a rough day. A small voice and a small pull on his sleeve tugged him out of his trance. Ernst had asked him if he was okay. He choked out a yes, and continued to think of his dead lover. 

 

Melchior disappeared a few weeks later. Latin was quiet without him and it wasn’t the same. Hanschen had invited Ernst out to the vineyard to study. A place where it was nice and quiet, where they could focus on Latin translations. The view from his spot was always beautiful when the sun was setting. He wanted to take Max there one day, but he thought Ernst would enjoy the beauty of the vineyard more than Max would have. 

 

They walked there after school. It was peaceful and quiet. It was the perfect place for studying if they didn’t get distracted by embarrassing stories from their childhood. Hanschen had left out the stories about Max. He knew Ernst was very religious and he figured the boy would turn him in if he uttered a word about how he had a relationship with another boy a few years back. Although, he had agreed with him when he mentioned the homosexual subtext of Achilles and Patroclus. 

 

The church bells sounded from down in the town. The two of them made small talk about how peaceful the bells had sounded. He watched Ernst explain how he wished of a red-cheeked wife. The sun was starting to set, which caused the sun to reflect off of Ernst’s skin. It illuminated his gorgeous brown eyes. It caused them to appear golden. The sun caused his skin to glow, and he looked perfect. Absolutely perfect. 

 

Hanschen had kissed Ernst for the first time in the vineyard while the sun made him look perfect. When Hanschen had pulled back, Ernst pushed his lips right back onto Hanschen’s eager to feel the warmth that came from his lips and skin. 

 

Months passed. The two boys were even more careful than Hanschen and Max had ever been. They hardly talked in school and kept their distance if they were sitting next to each other. The vineyard was their haven. Hanschen was anxious about doing things with Ernst outside of the vineyard so a repeat didn’t happen with this boy he was so in love with. 

 

Ernst invited him to his house over a weekend where they would have the house to themselves. The brunette was going on and on about how they could stay up late and tell stories, how they could stay inside cuddled on the couch drinking warm tea. Not once did Ernst ever allude to anything as risky as Max did that fateful weekend that ripped everything away from him. 

 

Ernst’s parents were long gone when Hanschen had shown up. Ernst greeted him at the door with a chaste kiss and a mug full of tea. This atmosphere was way different than when Max had him over. Ernst pulled him into the living area. Hanschen found a pile of blankets on the couch. He smiled and took a seat, folding his feet underneath him. Ernst had sat next to him, nestled in his side, telling Hanschen about where his parents would be that weekend. He knew this would be different.  It had to be different. He couldn’t lose Ernst too. 

 

That night, he had Ernst nestled into his chest and he was wrapped around the brunette. Hanschen had pressed small kisses onto Ernst’s neck as he drifted off to sleep. Hanschen was awake alone. While his new lover was wrapped up in his arms he couldn’t help but think what would have happened if he and Max had just been careful. He probably wouldn’t have Ernst, but he could never be sure. He drifted off thinking of the future, and if he could rewrite the past. Maybe an ending or two. 

 

Sunlight filtered through the windows in the morning. Hanschen found himself awake before Ernst. He was laying there, watching Ernst sleep in peace. He looked so relaxed and so at ease while being held in Hanschen’s arms. 

 

He wasn’t sure if he fell back asleep. He probably did, because next thing he knew, Ernst was facing him and pressing a kiss light enough he couldn’t even feel the brushing of Ernst’s soft lips. He had whispered a good morning in his raspy morning voice. 

 

He decided that all the heartbreak from the past was suddenly worth it if this was the perfection he would get to wake up next to each morning. 


End file.
